Pop Is Satan's Music, But Otherwise Not Too Bad

I'm generally an elitist snob. Call me old fashioned, but it's not cool to like what everyone else likes, and I'll be damned if I'm not going to let you know how inferior your tastes are. Popular music is for the simple-minded, the people who can't keep track of more than one tempo, volume, key at a time. More than four chords would overcomplicate things and god forbid any other time signature besides 4/4 is used. The words rarely have any substance, and 99% of the time, the subject matter has already been covered on one of Bob Dylan's 34 studio albums. Pop stars prey on impressionable teens whose libidos have tricked their brains into cave-man like responses, which makes me doubt the performers' actual popularity and their artistic motives. I don't like pop music, damn it, and I never will!



Well...

Something's happened to me. I don't know if I'm getting soft, or going through a phase, or if I've accidentally eaten a psychedelic toad in my sleep, but I've started listening to pop music. Not just listening -- I find I CRAVE it! Now, before you think I've bought the entire cow, you should know I'm still selective in my pop listening. Yes, it all sounds the same, how can I be selective, blah blah blah, whine whine, bitch. Still, I've somehow found or imagined a pop hierarchy and incorporated it into my listening habits. See, there's a subtle quality that can drastically change how a pop singer is distrib-- aw, who am I kidding?! There's no rhyme or reason to this! I like only three pop artists right now and I'm going to try to explain why:


Lady Gaga
I tried to hate her. She was the new gay obsession, she wore outrageous clothes, and she was politically vocal -- I despised the fact that I was supposed to like her and fought tooth and nail not to. Damned if she got me. Her lyrics, while on surface nonsensical and simple-minded (it couldn't be pop otherwise) have deeper meanings that can always be further interpreted. They are cleverly and artistically worded; they refer to ideas brought up in other songs, exploring them in a new context. And the music is catchy -- you can't help but some body part! The tracks have enough mixing and intrigue to keep them from being boring. Then there's the woman herself: outspoken, outrageous, and not afraid to be ugly. If you've ever felt the need to be any one of those things, you can't help but be drawn to her. She also writes her own music, which is a huge artistic plus in my book. 


Ke$ha
I did hate Ke$ha for a long time. All of her singles are trite, obvious, and make you feel like she's a sophomore in high school bragging about the wild party she didn't actually attend: "I drank a whole keg of Jack Beam and then Steve and I kissed like french people, but you can't ask him 'bout it 'cause I said I wouldn't tell!" What I did not know is that some idiot decided to release Ke$ha's worst songs as singles. The albums Cannibal and Animal are wonderful parodies of self-important 20-somethings and their wannabe glamorous lifestyle. And while you're laughing at these peoples' attempts at feelings of celebrity, you can't help but want to join them. Ke$ha's music is a big sarcastic wink, and if you don't take her words seriously, she's downright hilarious. 


Nicki Minaj
Nicki has the same draw for me that Lady Gaga does: I love that she's not afraid to be ugly. Her use of the vocal instrument is so diverse, I'm sure she sometimes accidentally communicates with dolphins and ground hogs simultaneously. Now, I don't love everything she does. I like when she's featured in other songs, and the only songs of hers I've really liked were only released on the extended album. There are also two things about Nicki's music that always draw me in to genres to which I don't normally listen: she annunciates, and I don't hate rap when I listen to her. These are the two main problems I have with rap in general; I can barely decipher the phrases artists are using without them sounding like they just had a stroke, and there's so little variety with the rhythm and timbre that If I've heard the first 30 seconds, I'm pretty sure I know how the rest of the song is going to sound (keeping in mind that I'm not really invested in the unintelligible words). If I don't understand a word of a Nicki Minaj song, I still find myself listening to the entire thing, then putting it on a playlist for later. 




So there you have it. I successfully skipped the pop of the nineties with only a little Gloria Estefan and one Spice Girls album, so I'm unsure of how I've found myself here. I'm sick, and someone should put me out of my misery. At least I still hate Katy Perry with a passion, and I don't see myself rationalizing her in the future. Hopefully.